You know,
As time goes by, things change. It's obvious to say- and some changes come and go, others stick around and become the way of things. It's just the way of it. Moments of nostalgia, basically, are moments where you realize you think very fondly of a time before a given change long enough to wonder if the way things are at present took a step down in some fashion from the remembered glory of the past.

Many are the times I've waffled on about things from times ago, so too with the intangible bits of advice through personal realization... it seems these topics are favorites of mine down the line through time. But, has it done much good? I find it hard to imagine anyone out there looking nostalgically back thinking about me... yet, there are friends of mine for whom I look at old days with a fondness and feeling that something sinse has been lost never to be reclaimed. We all grow older, we all go through things... we all come to understand that life is something we each figure out in our own way, sometimes with help, sometimes stumbling through it on our own. And in the blunt of it, there will come a time when we realize we are no longer in synch with our surroundings in the same way we once were. For instance, many of you will leave deviantart at some point... the people will change like the tide, as younger members join and older members leave. Others'll tough it out- but will see others leave, and might find a spot of emptiness in mourning the loss at odd, random times. And there will be times where it seems like there's not a single friend to be found, new or old- when it's difficult to feel close to anyone and the closest sense of belonging drifts in solitude. There are other times where it's hard to find a moment to yourself, when the moments are in some ways not even your own to control, and divvying them out is like a juggling act. When you get recognized and realize you've been acknowledged on some level that sincerely satisfies you. There are also people that change your life who you never really get to know all that well. Perhaps they introduce you to some music you grow to really love, or recommend something you find becomes a regular enjoyment. But, even when there's nothing wrong with life, at least for me, there's always a desire to have at least one person to talk with that understands you on -some- fundamental level. Whether they 'get' you fully or not, more important that they've acknowledged you in a way that's truly satisfied you.

I feel... mildly lonely. I miss talking with Lee, I miss talking with Annie, I miss talking with Reese, I miss talking with Kyra, I miss talking with Melanie, heck- I even miss talking with Ludi and Neo. I have thought about why talking with any female is so important to me, and though it's not so clear even to me, nearest I can tell is that it makes me feel content in some way. I don't need to be in love; ...but I do have the wherewithal to wonder if I seek to be loved, to feel needed even if just as a friend. And honestly... I mostly fail. From my own perspective... I'm not very needed, not very sought out. I couldn't say what gal of those I know cares most for me, or if any of them would truly go out of their way to let me know I'm valuable to them. Perhaps some of this tragedy is part of the beauty to it- surely there has been love given, whether from me or to me; and to realize how it's sifted out... it's kindof endearing to a compassionate romantic like me. Though in the span of things, there never has been much realism in my way of things. The ghost is what I've become, the ghost is me for many of those who I care about most. I'm not sure if anyone realizes I'm as good as dead when there are no hellos, no how are yous, no seeking me out to exchange words.

Who am I the most use to? Honestly, I think, my parents. I do often fail to show them the respect they deserve and am not certain I can adequately change even given dedication to do so...

For all in life, there's a way to proceed. It can be hard to see, or easy. Carrying it out, the same variation. The choice, we make. How will I handle my stated predicament. I don't know- I can write to people... will they answer, will it bridge a gap? Can't say... but it might help. Will I do so? Depends, I'd say. How much I want to attempt it- how stubborn I am to not let change settle in hard heavy and silent... but sometimes, I wish my problems weren't entirely in need of resolution by my own work, and that someone else would put forth effort. Alas, it's hard to expect much of people by this point.

I was fired this Wednesday. Yes, I do have more to say but... when I'm back to using my own computer. Pluh.

~

Something that I've always been amazed by, is the way my life has always granted me that which I need when I need it. Be it a friend to help me out in another friend's absense or a lesson about life right when it seems applicable. Other things too. But this does not always mean I get by without feeling the rocks on the road.

Lately, just this past week basically, some of my good old friends have come out of a long hiding and have talked with me when, it seems like I've been left behind by other friends. Vince and Chris and Cora, I've talked with using Skype and it feels good to have the company. Though, I miss Lee and Annie, and maybe to a lesser extent Kyra - people who I can write to or talk with at length, with a sort of comfort and security. I'll be going to Vince's this week, staying up there on my days off- and probably swinging by to see Dustin on Saturday. It means that today, I'll have to go to Knoxville and look up the address for Dustin's show on Saturday and get map info.

The inevitable movement from Summer to Fall has me down a little bit. I'm frustrated with work, questioning why some of my friends seem to have fallen off the earth for the most part (at least with me), and just plain scared in that my dad went to the doctor's yesterday to check on something that might be skin cancer.

*takes a deep breath* I watched the movie 'Whip It' last night- which I found surprisingly entertaining. Some good life-messages in there. Like, it's good to do your own thing but, not so ok to be a jerk about it.

...I ought to start getting things together, I plan to go to Knoxville this morning. I'm thankful for my life working out so there's always a counterbalance... but I feel as though I've worked at setting my life up so that it will provide for me. It may not seem busy, it may not seem stressful, perhaps by and large it is neither, though my life is never without something to think about in a careful, patient manner. And many people who think they have it rough, often fail to realize the price I pay for the life I have, and the choices I've made to make my life the way it is. I wonder, too, if perhaps some of my last vestiges of faith are hiding out in this, in some manner? Because, even with any hard time that comes my way, I still feel thankful.

My place of employment, Synovate, will be closing November 15th. This means I will be seeking new work, but also, that I'll have a chance to draw unemployment for a while- which allows me a unique opportunity. To not be tied to a location while having a source of income! IE; hypothetically... I can move.

BUT- I have few details, and only the most basic premise. I wouldn't be able to set out on my own... - Is anyone I know in any capacity looking for a roommate? I think it's possible I'd be willing to relocate; but, I could also easily accept a person interested in locating to this general area. I likely won't be able to afford anything fancy; my end of things is likely to include only a couple hundred a month for a while.

Considering the fact that things are sketchy and details vague, I think that's a good reason to bring this to the open and kindof toss it to the wind for ideas. From the general to the precise; once I get some ideas of who (if anyone) might be willing to work with me in the possibility of an exciting restructuring of life; then I can figure out what sounds best, what seems most likely to work, and so on.

Who all, if anyone, thinks they would be able to stand living with me (until I prove you wrong XP ) potentially this Winter? Throw your ideas out to me and I'll listen.

So first off, the irony: I get told before leaving by Lee to "Stay safe and don't get into any accidents or anything because that seems to be your thing" and by my mom "Don't run out of gas!" WELL GUESS WHAT?!!

... Do I even need to say it?? XD Really? I mean really?? Yes. Yes indeed. I had a fender-bender while leaving Boulder... for which I'll need to call a court line in four days thereabouts, AND I run out of gas in Des Moines, because my gas meter was off. At 1:30 in the morning I end up calling my dad to come help bail me out; so at 3 in the morning I finally get to finish my long drive home. Oi.

But, it was still a fun trip, nonetheless. I got to see Annie and Halen, and Reese and her friends. Which, I'd say, took up more of my time than being at the convention... which is ok; I did miss a couple of events I wanted to catch but I'm still appeased in it all. I somewhat get the impression I was on the border of overstaying my welcome as a guest- but thankfully the hospitality was gracious and so I didn't need to suffer sleeping in my car more than once. Although, admittedly, I was rather fatigued on the drive home; I think I may not have gotten a good rest and my shoulder was achy, though that sort of thing can just happen, alas. Plus the uberton of walking I did- I felt like I actually got healthy excersize out there; walking around, drinking water... XD It was rather nifty!

I started out hanging out at Annie's, and discovered that her brother's choice in music is pretty much exactly like mine. Also learned that Halen is rather nifty; and to my joy I've been invited to roleplay with them over ICQ.

While Annie was at classes Thursday, I got the chance to explore; I went down to the local coffee shop where I wrote my last journal entree, then from there I walked down to the mall; I stopped into the Borders and bought myself three Glen Cook books. Huzzah gritty fantasy! Also, got to watch a couple movies- 9, and Gamer. But not before stopping in to the Starbucks for an iced white chocolate mocha, and a brief chat with the gal behind the counter who said they saw me & my hat on the way to work. The atmosphere in Boulder is comfortable, I think- whereas further south in Denver it seems less so; granted, my perspective is a limited one... still...

Friday I made my way to the convention. It took me longer than I expected and when I got there I made like seven trips around the Mariotte because of being in the wrong lane and such things; frustrating. Caught the anime improv and AMV judging- my videos weren't included but those that were presented were reaaaally good. After that I found someone with a cellphone and called Reese; thing about Nan Desu Kan- it's bigger than Anime Iowa and the layout is more confusing. It would be harder to find someone there. So down to the nearby Wendy's I went; and met up with Reese and two of her friends. We all decided to head back to her friend's apartment, where she'll be moving soon- and thereafter went to a Goth club; which was rather awesome! 1 round of drinks (I had one called a lemonaide, which was really tasty), and the music motivated me to move on the dance floor.

After finishing up there, we all went back to the apartment, and watched some movies- The Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Corpse Bride, (and the next morning) The Departed. I managed to reach a perfect state of inebriation on two shots of Everclear and a shot of Gin. And a bowl of mac&cheese and some BBQ chicken wings. nomnomnom. I got to hold Snake (the actual name of the little reptilian friend) and having done so makes me rather want my own appendagelly challenged friend.

Well, the next day, back to the convention for a while. -I did miss a couple events I would have liked to attend because we weren't there early enough, but I don't mind. The dealer's room was a nifty thing, and I bought myself fewd, books, t-shirts... much goodness. After the dance Saturday night (which was tame, very tame, compared to the one this year at Anime Iowa), it was back to the apartment again. And Charlie, the kitten there, would not for the life of him get over the notion that my nose was not for sniffing and that his doing so would make me sneeze uncontrollably. Which really brings a sharper perspective on some things. Anyway; Sunday, back to the convention and we all split ways. I stick around and wander a bit, catching some anime in the video rooms before, alas, it winds down in convention hibernation time. So back up to Boulder. I'm surprised it's such a long way; it feels like, when you reach Boulder, you've gone too far and that you'll be heading into the country.

One thing I really enjoyed, was how the music would change as you worked your way from radio station to radio station. Like, out in Colorado, you can listen to AFI and Anberlin and Muse on the radio! But here, none of those! I heard a LOT of good music on 93.3 out there; unfortunately I do not come back with victoly in the music department. My efforts to swap musics were tactfully procrastinated aside (though not by me) and into oblivion.

Recovery time; still. Unwinding aches and restocking energy reserves. Forward I go; for cereal! And- I'll actually have my film developed sometime, now. Cheers!